Making Your Own Happiness
I had lunch recently with a friend who has been a widow for thirteen years. She had a long and happy marriage. She even told me they practically grew up together. As we talked, she shared something her mother used to tell her: “You have to make your own happiness.”
She told me she never really understood what her mother meant until sometime after her husband had died.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that.
What does making your own happiness look like? I don’t think you have to lose the love of your life or wait until your children are grown and out of the house. It doesn’t mean we don’t need other people or that grief, loneliness, disappointment, or hard seasons simply can be wished away. It means that eventually we realize we can’t wait for another person, or for circumstances to create a life we enjoy living.
After years of marriage, raising children, working, caring for parents, or simply putting other people first, it can be surprisingly difficult to answer: What makes me happy?
If you ask me that question now, my first thought would probably be, “As long as my family is happy and healthy, I’m happy.” But when I really think about it, that means my happiness is dependent on them. If one of the people I love is having a hard time, struggling with something, or even just in a bad mood, it affects me too.
Maybe that’s why this question has stayed with me. When I take my family out of the equation and ask myself “What makes me happy?” I’m not even sure I know how to answer.
Maybe that’s worth figuring out.
Maybe making your own happiness starts with figuring out what happiness looks like for you now. Not twenty or thirty years ago. Nor for your husband or your children. It’s so easy for us over the years, to lose track of ourselves. Not in a bad or regretful way, but simply because life gets full. We go through such a busy season of life, constantly thinking about what everyone else needs and enjoys. Then one day somebody asks, “What do YOU want to do?”, and we almost don’t know.
Perhaps, making our own happiness starts there. Not by changing our whole lives, this doesn’t have to be some dramatic reinvention of ourselves. Simply just getting to know ourselves again. What do I enjoy? What makes me laugh? What do I look forward to? What have I always wanted to try? Is there something I’ve been waiting for someone else to do with me? When was the last time I did something simply because it made me happy? Taking the trip, joining the class, going for the walk, buying the flowers, inviting someone to lunch or even getting comfortable doing something by yourself.
We don’t have to have all of those answers right away. We can just start asking the questions.
Maybe, making our own happiness isn’t creating happiness from nothing. It can also be about recognizing the gifts and opportunities God has already put in our lives and choosing to participate in them.
I challenge you to get your journal out and start asking yourself these questions. Pray about it and ask God for some clarity. Get to know yourself better. Pay attention to the things that bring you Joy, and then give yourself permission to make room for more of them. Start making steps to finding your true happiness.
Maybe that’s what my friend’s mother meant all those years ago.
We have to make our own happiness.
